Training session on quotes/description

10:03 AM alston.steve has joined laurastorr2: Hi Niloo - are you there?
10:04 AM niloopafernando@gmail.com has joined laurastorr2: Just going to make a cup of tea while I wait fo you
10:05 AM niloopafernando: o.k. im in
10:06 AM i read my comments on my pieces of work
10:07 AM laurastorr2: Great - not sure where buddhi is - hopefully she'll join us soon - do you want to talk about the pieces of work more? niloopafernando: o.k. just to check something 10:08 AM doesnt the work has had to stop working , or has had to give up his job sound a little too simple

10:10 AM laurastorr2: Manuel and his six children have been forced to abandon their home in Vanni, Sri Lanka because of the ongoing conflict that is ravaging the country.
The 37-year-old has also had to give up his job and is struggling to support his family.

Manuel Thevarajah is from Vanni and is the father of six and at the age of forty seven, he has had to give up his home and his means of livelihood due to the unstable situation in the country. This is often a frustrating state of affairs for a man like Manuel who earned well and provided for his large family while living in the village of Mullikulam.

Generally its good to start simple and then expand later - but you might have a point. HOw would you put it?

10:11 AM Instead of talking in generic terms - has had to give up his means of a livelihood - lets talk about what it actually is. Is he a fisherman? Or what? What are the details? niloopafernando: maybe id use the word livelihood, but i gues in a way non NGO people would not understand what livelihood meant

10:12 AM laurastorr2: Livelihood is generally understood by people I think- but not really used outside of the NGO sector. What is his livelihood in this particular case? niloopafernando: He is fisherman he is a fisherman

10:13 AM laurastorr2: OK - so talk about that specifically rather than using the generic term livelihood. Why can't he fish anymore?

10:14 AM niloopafernando: let me put the other other part of the story for your information “The village is suitable for fishing, cultivation and animal husbandry. Fishing and cultivation were my key jobs and I earned more than thirty thousand rupees per month through both. I was living a happy and peaceful life with my family in the village”

After nearly thirteen years spent in refugee camps, Manuel thought he had found some kind of peace and stability thanks to Caritas Mannar - Valvuthayam which had implemented a housing project in their village and provided the villagers with homes.

The intense security situation evicted them from their home and Manuel and his family have been shifted around from place to place carrying only a handful of belongings; depending on the kindness of friends and the support of Caritas Mannar –Valvuthayam.

The War Victims Program of the Relief and Rehabilitation unit of (CSL) SEDEC in collaboration with Caritas Mannar –Valvuthayam provided Manuel’s family along with many others who were in the same situation with food, non food items and temporary shelters.

10:15 AM laurastorr2: Ok - in this session I think we need to finish off the first couple of paragraphs and then talk about how we can expand on this particular story niloopafernando: o.k. just to let you know. he was a fisherman and he used to cultivate too. the war situation made him displaced and so he could carry on with his work

10:16 AM do you want me to tel buddhi over the phone to come on line

10:17 AM laurastorr2: Ok fine - I think the story above is written really well. Very clear - good language and short sentences. There are just a couple of things. We generally don't use the term non-food items - this is jargon/NGO speak. Instead name some of the items that the family recieved - blankets. kitchen utensils whatever.

10:18 AM The fact that he has been living in refugee camps for 13 years should probably go further up - this is really interesting Has he not been working all this time too?

10:19 AM Are you still there Niloo? niloopafernando: yes. sorry i had a call laurastorr2: No worries

10:20 AM niloopafernando: yeah i guess he has not been working all this time. i got this story from a second hand person laura give me asec

10:21 AM laurastorr2: Fine - just let me know when you're back

10:23 AM niloopafernando: sorry. the journalist David Snyder is visiting Galle on thurs and fri and so some arrangemnts had to be done

10:24 AM laurastorr2: No worries - are you ready now?
niloopafernando: yes

10:26 AM laurastorr2: Ok - do you want to rewrite your intro - in your own words maybe bringing in the fact that he's been living in a camp for 13 years - and that he hasn't been able to work in all that time?
niloopafernando: o..k do you want me to do it now

laurastorr2: Yes - I think that would be helpful
niloopafernando: ill give it a go, if you want

10:27 AM 47 year old father of six Manual Thevarajah has had to leave his home and
10:28 AM his job
10:29 AM due to the war situation that had been ravaging in the country
10:30 AM He has been displaced for the past 13 years.

laurastorr2: There's a problem with the when here - it sounds like he's only just left his home but he actually left it 13 years ago. Might be better to start with the fact he's been living in a camp.

10:31 AM niloopafernando@gmail.com has left
laurastorr2: Also - displaced is a bit of an NGO term - I do used it occaisionally - but I try to use other phrases. Like forced to flee their home, or living in a temporary camp
niloopafernando@gmail.com has joined

10:32 AM niloopafernando: im in
10:33 AM i just called buddhi. she said she was busy but she said she will come online i possible
10:34 AM just to ask you something. How do you invite people for a group chat

laurastorr2: Maybe something like this - Manual Thevarajah has been living in a temporary camp with his six children for the last 13 years. He was forced to abandon his home and give up his fishing business when Sorry - just click on the group chat icon at the top and then click on the contact - I can invite buddhi again

10:35 AM She's still offline
niloopafernando: o.k. o.k. i get it , may be like a summary less words but more concised
10:36 AM laurastorr2: It's important to get the most relevant and recent thing at the beginning. In this case - he left his home 13 years ago - so this is not the most relevant thing - the most relevant thing is that he's still living in a camp - and has been living there for 13 years Sorry I didn't finish - will try again

10:37 AM niloopafernando: do i chose what is important to highlight in the beginning
10:38 AM laurastorr2: Manual Thevarajah has been living in a temporary camp in Vanni, Sri Lanka for the last 13 years. He and his six children were forced to abandon their home when fighting escalated in the area around his village.
Yes - you have to choose out of all the things in the story - what the most interesting and relevant thing is.

10:39 AM niloopafernando: o.k. get it
10:40 AM laurastorr2: So if we were continuing this story I would probably do one of the following. A quote would be good from Vanni - describing either what it was like when he left his home - or what its like living in the camp for so long. Do you have a quote like this?

10:41 AM buddhi.dissanayake@gmail.com has joined
laurastorr2: Sometimes if you don't have a direct quote - but you have third hand information - you can turn it into a quote as long as you don't change the meaning of what the person said at the time
Hi Buddhi - we're just talking about Niloo's intro

10:42 AM niloopafernando: meaning, is it ethical
laurastorr2: Niloo - can you write the next sentence - and I'll show Buddhi the comments I made on the blog niloopafernando: o.k.
10:45 AM laurastorr2: Obviously its always better to have direct quotes - but often international staff come back from the field and give me their notes. It will say something like this - Mohammed sat with his daughter in front of him and said he was frightened during the flood and had to climb on top of his house with his family and wait for it to go down.

I use this in the following way: "I was very frightened when the flood came" said Mohammed, holding his daughter closely in front of him. "We had to climb on top of our house and wait for the water to go down". Do you see?
buddhi.dissanayake@gmail.com has left

10:46 AM niloopafernando: yes.
laurastorr2: Hi Buddhi - I put some comments on your assignment yesterday - did you see them?

10:47 AM niloopafernando: i think she is gone offline
laurastorr2: Oh dear - buddhi seems to be offline
10:49 AM Ok - I think she is too busy to join us. I will do a separate session with her maybe next week. How are you getting on with writing the next paragraph? What do you think should come next? And why?
10:50 AM niloopafernando: there is this other quote, this is often a frustratine state of affairs for a man like Manual ( meaning becuase he was in a camp)
10:51 AM who used to earn around 30,000 ruppes from fishing and cultivation to provide for his large family maybe i can use it like this
10:52 AM laurastorr2: Ok - so try turning that into a direct quote instead of saying it in the third person - this will make the reader care more about Manuel and draw them in. Can you try and adapt it - similar to what I did above with the flood?

niloopafernando: " It was frustrating for me as i used to earn around 30,000 ruppes from fishing and cultivation to provide for his large family

10:53 AM sorry!! to provide for my large family.

10:54 AM laurastorr2: This is good - but I want to teach you another trick about including quotes. It's great for someone to start speaking, but even if you've only talked about one person in the story - the reader still wonders who is speaking. It is always good to write a bit of the quote - then break it to say, said Manuel and then carry on with the rest of the quote. Can you try this?

10:56 AM niloopafernando: "It was frustrating for me," said Manual . "I used to earn around 30,000 rupees a month from fishing and cultivating."
10:57 AM laurastorr2: Yes great - this is already much better - but I want to know more. He used to earn that - what is happening now? Add on something about how he finds it hard to provide for this family now he is living in the camp. Or how its difficult to get work

10:59 AM niloopafernando: Manual and his fmaily have been shifted from place to placecarrying only a handful of belongings; depending on the kindess and suport of friends and Caritas Valuvuthayam. i have to look for the original story. i cant remebr what he is doibng now

11:00 AM laurastorr2: Don't worry - this will be your assignment anyway - so you can do it later. niloopafernando: o..k. thanks. so do we stop our training from here

11:01 AM laurastorr2: I want to teach you another trick about using direct quotes. If possible its always good to place that person somewhere - where are they when they are saying this, what are they doing? This is much easier when you do the interview yourself , but its possible to do it even with second hand stories.
niloopafernando: o.k. i get it

11:02 AM laurastorr2: For example: "It is frustrating for me," said Manuel, sitting outside his makeshift shelter in XXXX camp. "I used to earn 30,000 rupees from fishing and cultivation, but now I'm struggling to make ends meet."

11:03 AM niloopafernando: add more description as to the location and his appearance so that the reader can have a mental picture, right?

11:04 AM laurastorr2: You can use lots of things - you can use family relationships "holding his son on his knee", you can use work if its relevant - "he says, as he mends his fishing net", or if the quote is very emotional "he said, looking down at the ground".

11:05 AM Yes - exactly - but by putting this into the quote - instead of in a separate sentence - it feels natural - not like you're deliberately doing it - but that the person is there talking to Manuel too But you can put it in a separate sentence too - you can try both. Do you want to stop the training now? I can carry on for a bit - or we can stop - whatever is good for you

11:07 AM niloopafernando: maybe a lil bit more. sorry i had to go downstairs give me a minute til i read what you have written

laurastorr2: Fine no worries
11:08 AM niloopafernando: o..k. read it i understand. this tips are really good.
11:09 AM laurastorr2: As we're on description - if you have space its really good to describe the place where the story is taking place. For example - describe the camp?
11:10 AM niloopafernando: the size, how the tent looks etc.,?
laurastorr2: Or Manuel's shelter...this is hard if you haven't been there - but might be possible especially if you have pictures - or have been to similar camps in the past

11:11 AM niloopafernando: yes
11:13 AM laurastorr2: Yes. I'll give you an example: Dust swirls off the ground in XXX camp that is home to 2,000 people. Blue pastic tarpaulin flaps slightly in the breeze, making small thudding noises against the palm leaf shacks.

11:14 AM Or even better: Dust swirls off the ground in XXX camp, in Vanni that is now home to more than 2,000 people forced to flee their homes because of Sri Lanka's ongoing conflict. niloopafernando: yeah, i think the earlier one has too many adjectives, i thought.

11:15 AM but i gues its good for a feature story
laurastorr2: Yes - it just depends on what you are writing the story for. You wouldn't put all this description in a news story for example - then you just give the facts - but the type of stories we often need to tell are better for features - because they're not actually news.

11:16 AM niloopafernando: yes iagree

11:17 AM laurastorr2: In a feature story you could even start the story with this type of atmospheric description. Personally I love to use loads of adjectives - they help describe all sorts of things. When you're trying to do descriptive writing think of the five senses: sight, sound, smell, touch (and taste - although we use this less!)

11:18 AM If you are on a trip - write down observations on all these things - what does it look like - write down details because you will forget them later, but don't forget the other senses too - are there any sounds, smells? This all helps to paint a picture

11:19 AM niloopafernando: maybe its my style of writing, the amount of adjectives i use is less, because i was taught in advertising, during my copy writing days, less adjectives. but i guess stories like this have to be included. Laura, i really have to go now. Is it o.k.

laurastorr2: Yes fine - I'll just set you your assignment for next time.

11:20 AM niloopafernando: thanks o.k. i think we need to save a copy of this for Buddhi too

laurastorr2: 1. Re-write you intro and continue to write another few paragraphs - including personal quotes and how Caritas is helping.

11:21 AM niloopafernando: o.k. whenis the next day

laurastorr2: 2. Write another type of intro - for more of a feature story. Try to build atmosphere and use descriptive language so the reader feels like they are in the room with you.

niloopafernando: o.k. will give it a shot

laurastorr2: 3. Look for examples of descriptive writing and post them on the blog - why do you like them? Notice which sense they use - sight, sounds, smell?

11:22 AM I have done quite a few descriptive pieces, so I'll post them on the blog too. When do you want to do the next workshop? How does 2 weeks sound? I can do 25/26 June?

11:23 AM niloopafernando: or fine o.k. fine
11:24 AM laurastorr2: Which day do you prefer? niloopafernando: both are o.k. for me for the moment. but lets put 25th
laurastorr2: Ok - will put it in my diary. 10am Uk Time. 2.30pm Sri Lanka time. see you then. I'll save this and post it on the blog for Buddhi
11:25 AM niloopafernando: thank. i think i need it too as i cant remember all the assignments. thanks again, laura
laurastorr2: Thanks for your participation! Bye for now